Everything sucks about these everything bagel crackers

I’ve been wanting to make this week’s recipe for a few years now, ever since I spent a year making breads. Somehow these crackers never made the cut, but I’ve saved the link to the recipe for a time when I had the chance to make them.

Of course, I’ve had opportunities but when you like to make food as much as I do, the list of things you wish to make — while still making time for old favorites — is quite long.

But, still, these are everything bagel crackers. Everything bagels were my first and favorite bagel love.

Everything bagel crackers ingredients. If you dare to make them.

If I’m only getting a single bagel, it will be an everything bagel (with a plain shmear, if you’re wondering). If I’m getting a dozen, a quarter to half of them will be everything. Almost all of the remainder will be one of the toppings from an everything bagel — poppy seed, sesame seed, garlic, maybe onion. I might make an addition of an asiago.

Point is, it’s a little weird I haven’t made these crackers yet.

So, even though I didn’t have a lot of time this week, I love to make bread and I thought this was the perfect week to finally whip together this treat.

It didn’t go well from the start, which should have been a sign.

Most of it was my fault. I had to go get some ingredients so I got off to a late start; it went more slowly than I had anticipated; I misread the directions slightly so I got even more flustered; and it made more of a mess in our already messy kitchen than I had hoped.

But not all hope was lost. After all, these were topped with “everything.” It’d all work out.

And initial signs indicated it’d be OK. The first few that crisped at the edges got taken out a little early while the rest baked, and after slight cooling, they tasted pretty good.

Then, when I was putting them away, my spirits got totally crushed and I’ve vowed to get revenge on this recipe if it’s the last thing I do (OK, not really, I’m just feeling dramatic.).

The parchment paper lining, I thought, made for an easy way to wiggle the crackers into a Ziploc bag for safe storage.

But when I poured, all of the topping mix just came right off the crackers and sunk to the bottom of the bag.

The only thing that made them good sat in a layer so so so far away from the crackers. I could have saved the effort of brushing the crackers with oil and carefully sprinkling on the topping mix, and instead just dumped them on some plain wheat crackers.

A second batch was placed more carefully but it only salvaged a couple of poppy seeds. Plus, who wants to make crackers that have to stay right-side up for their toppings to stay on?

Ugh.

As for the crackers, they were merely OK. The salt stayed on, which meh. Mostly, I made it work by pouring the topping mix onto hummus and then scooping up everything hummus onto plain wheat crackers.

If you’re still brave enough to make this recipe after my rant, and not dissuaded, I do have two thoughts to make it work. First, mix the everything topping mixture *into* the cracker dough, or do most of it in the dough and sprinkle on some, and then *press* it into the dough with wax paper or more parchment paper. Second, just do it all on top, but *press* it into the dough.

Me, I’m just going to hit up an Einstein’s or make the mix and put it on something else.

They look pretty good, sure. But if you turn them upside down, that topping just slides right off.

Here’s what I did, mostly following a recipe from The Chew:

Ingredients

For the crackers

  • 2 c. all-purpose flour
  • 2 c. whole wheat flour
  • 2 t. sugar
  • 1 t. salt
  • 1 ¼ c. water
  • 5 ½ T. olive oil (plus more for brushing if you put the topping mix on top)

For the topping mix

  • 2 t. dried minced onion, or onion flakes
  • 2 t. dried minced garlic, or garlic flakes
  • 2 t. poppy seeds
  • 2 t. sesame seeds
  • 2 t. Kosher salt
  • 1 t. caraway seeds (optional)
  • 1 t. fennel seeds (optional)
  • 1 t. black sesame seeds (optional)

Directions

Heat oven to 375 degrees.

Line two large rimmed sheet pans with parchment paper.

In a large bowl, mix together the flours, sugar and salt. Stir in the oil and water. Mix together until well incorporated. (Add the topping mix here, if desired.) Turn out dough onto a lightly floured surface and knead to combine completely, without overworking the dough.

Divide the dough into three discs and cover two with plastic.

Roll one disc at a time to ⅛ inch thickness, and then cut into 2” pieces. (The recipe says to cut into triangles but TBH, I couldn’t figure out how to make discs make triangles of that size without a lot of effort. I thought at first cutting like a pizza but they were too big.)

Transfer the pieces to the parchment paper-lined sheet pan. (Here’s where I misread. The recipe has you do this in batches so you do one disc, bake, then the next disc. I missed that, but I’d rather get it done quicker by fitting it all on 2 sheet pans and baking at the same time.)

Repeat with the next two discs.

Just before baking, brush the triangles (or whatever) with oil and top with topping mix. PRESS into the dough.

Bake for 30 to 35 minutes until crispy.

Let cool completely, and try to enjoy!

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